Today, blended families are becoming more of “the norm” in our society.  As everyone’s personal situations are different, one thing remains consistent in a blended family: the dynamic will be more complex.  How do you create a respectful, loving and peaceful home while blending a family?  Here are our 4 ingredients to blending a happy family.

What’s your secret sauce?

Over the years, people have asked what the “secret sauce” is of our happy and secure blended family.   Rick and I blended our families when our kids were between the ages of 9 and 12.  Between the two of us we have four kids currently in college as a freshman, sophomore, junior and senior.  They are on the cusp of independence.  They are happy, ethical and hardworking neophyte adults who we “cooked” in our blended home.  Everyone’s “secret sauce” to achieve their ultimate blended family dynamic will vary based on each situation. 

Here are our 4 ingredients to blending a happy family: 

Don’t compare your situation to others –Some blended family’s gel together quickly, others take some time to warm up. Do not have expectations of what it should look like.  Every situation is different.  Concentrate on what’s happening between your own four walls and not what anyone else thinks or is doing.  When blending a new family, it is so important to have compassion for the new situation not expectations.

Have fun – Make sure to create opportunities for bonding experiences.  Regular vacations and trips are a great way to create new family memories and a closeness in your family that can’t be replicated.  Before Rick and I were married, we rented an RV and took our pre-blended family on a cross country adventure white water rafting and mountain biking.  To this day, the kids still talk about that trip and it set a precedent of it being OK to try something new.  That it may even be fun and adventurous to be open to the idea of a new family.  So many vacations and adventures followed that one..  I don’t think any of us would trade in the stories, memories, experiences and laughter that they all created.  The more experiences we have shared together the more we solidified becoming a family.

Be realistic – At the time our family became blended, our kids were in an age of detachment and independence (9-13).  Verses at a younger age when they are still in the age of attachment and dependency (0-8).  None of our kids fell in love with their new step parent or step siblings immediately.  It took time for us all to feel close-knit, trusting and personally invested in each other .  This all grew naturally over time.  Be patient and realistic about the time frame, every person in our family came around when they were ready to do so.

Accept the BIG picture – This is mostly regarding ex-spouses.  In our family, Rick’s ex-spouse lives less than a mile away and my ex lives in another state.  Whether it’s regarding schedules or nurturing it’s important to always maintain a sense of balance and fairness.  There will always be outside factors that will disrupt your family harmony.  Expect them and plan for what IS in your control.  Do not get spun up in what is NOT in your control.

These are the 4 ingredients to blending our happy family.  With a pinch of luck and a sprinkle of patience, it pretty much makes up our secret sauce.  No matter what your secret sauce looks like, if the result is well-adjusted, happy, healthy kids it’s worthy of an award-winning recipe.